The Shadow-gloom and Weight of the Sacred

Well, sense nobody seems to care about my cultural analysis, I thought I'd move into an area where I can speak authoritatively and list the top 5 crazy dad things I do. All parents do crazy things, stuff they didn't do before they were parents. Yes, these things are crazy, but I'm ok with that. Talk with any parent. They all have their crazy idiosyncrasies.

5. Angry Chair--This one may not be so much crazy as it is unique, but let's start light. Angry Chair is what we call Time Out. Alice in Chains have an old song titled "Angry Chair" that deceased lead singer Layne Stayley wrote about having to sit in time out when he was a child. For me, there was no other option than to have Angry Chair rather than time out. If the Queen Bee is doing something she shouldn't, I'll ask her, "Do you want to sit in the angry chair?"

4. Clavey (the 'a' is long)--I got this from my dad who used to chase my sisters and me around the living room trying to pinch our respective clavicles. We, in turn, tried to do the same to him. My sister Sharpie claimed she was incapable of breathing while in the clavey, but she never passed out. The Queen Bee seems to enjoy playing clavey and has thus far displayed an impressive ability to breath while in its grasp.

3. Serenity Now! (from "The Serenity Now" Seinfeld episode.)--This, of course, is a result of my Seinfeld infatuation. I've been trying to teach the Queen Bee to yell "Serenity Now!" whenever she's angry. She does yell it sometimes, but not usually when she's upset. And it sounds more like, "Ee-eeny now!" I'm also trying to teach her "Oh, the humanity!" but so far she won't try it.

2. Zombie Kiss--I'm not really sure how this started, but the Queen Bee and I have a game called Zombie Kiss. I make a zombie face and then chase her around the house saying, in a spooky voice, "Zombie Kiss." She runs. I catch her. She covers her mouth. I pull back her hands and give her a kiss. Now she's the zombie and chases me. She'd prefer that I be all-time zombie, which is often how the games works itself out.

1. The Nighttime Breathing Check--I blame my mom for this one. I periodically have to check the Queen Bee in her sleep to make sure she's breathing. I know this is about as crazy as crazy gets, but sometimes I just can't help myself. And, yes, I have woken her up (on two occasions) checking her breathing (once it was intentional because I was convinced she was not breathing).