The Shadow-gloom and Weight of the Sacred

Credit: Ramesh Rasaiyan http://www.flickr.com/photos/rameshrasaiyan/ CC BY-SA 2.0

I've known some people who were obviously horrendous parents. I mean, I've known some people who are really bad at parenting. This was apparent to everyone who knew these people but, of course, the parents themselves--they didn't know it. They probably didn't even know other people thought they were bad parents. In fact, many people actually told the bad parents that they were good parents because it was understood that telling them the truth would be devastating to them.

I've had some pretty bad teachers in my life. I've had some teachers that didn't have any business being middle school students, let alone university teachers! I can remember one teacher in particular; he taught classes at the university I attended, and he was a bad teacher, but no one told him that. Most people wouldn't even admit it outside of class. They liked the guy. He was a nice guy, a likable guy. They'd say something like "Oh, he's so passionate about his work." As if passion were a qualification for being a teacher. Hey, I'm passionate about guitar, but every time I play the Queen Bee say, "Daddy, will you please stop that?" But, when she says it, I know she's not really asking a question, she's giving advice.

We've dangerously blurred the line between dishonesty and tact so that, when we have to give someone difficult news, we'd rather lie. We can't seem to muster the ability to speak honesty with tact, so tact is becoming that which is untrue but appeases and pleases another person. Tact is the nice thing to tell another person. Sometimes, the confrontation the truth brings about is so uncomfortable that it's just easier to lie to a person, to tell them what they want to hear. No teacher wants to hear that they aren't any good at teaching. No parent wants to hear that people think that they are a bad parent.


I'm not trying to be a jerk. I'm not trying to nitpick (though be on the look out for my upcoming Top 5 all-time pet peeves). But, it does seem that we'd rather use "goodness" as a compliment to build the self-esteem of our friends than to tell the truth. I don't think it's just the confrontation of having to tell someone they need to "adjust" their approach to parenting or marriage or whatever, it's the hassle of having to deal with the situation. "Yes, I think you're a good parent" is just so much easier to say. It's a much easier situation to deal with...even if it's a superficial situation. The truth is a hassle because if you're going to bother with it, you're involving yourself in a deeper level with another person. You don't get to say "You're a bad husband" to another person and then simply go about life. You have to say why you think that. You have to help that person become better.

If we can keep goodness superficial we can avoid the responsibility it requires. We can say, "Yes, you're a good parent" or "Yes, you're a good teacher" and move on with our own lives. The superficial is really just an excuse to be self-centered, isn't it? The superficial keeps us from pouring out our lives like wine for each other.