The Shadow-gloom and Weight of the Sacred

I've recently concluded that church people fall into one of two categories (watch out now, this is going to be profound): those who can operate within, even appreciate and promote, the status quo and then there are those who complain. I fall into the later category, for the most part. Church has always been a part of my life and will always be a part of my life (I suspect), so this makes for an unfortunate experience for me. I can't think of one single church that meets my standards. The status quo of any given congregation holds more in common with the Kiwanas Club or the PTA than it does anything described in the Gospels and Acts. The notion of Jubilee is so foreign to Christians that we accuse such as ideas as being communism. I simply don't like church. I can't handle the disparity between the vision and the reality, so I complain. I dwell on this throughout the week until I am exhausted and, then, I am refueled to fume again each Sunday. A person can work and read and study and reach new and exciting understandings, but in the end, nothing will change. Churches are the way they are. I am the way I am. But, we never expect churches to change, we expect the malcontent to change. If I can change, why can't the church change? If I can change my attitude, why can't the same solution be applicable to the church? I don't know. I have, however, reached a sort of epiphany during this week.

I've been selfish.

I certainly think discontent can be communicated in harmful ways--especially when it's not communicated at all. I do not, though, think it wrong to experience discontent with an insitution, organization, group of people, or one's self. I'm discontent because of the gap I see between the way the church is and the way it should be. I'm discontent because of the gap between the way I am and the way I should be, too, but it's easier to project all of my discontent onto the church. What I've realized, though, is that my discontent is selfish because it's solely about me. I'm working, thinking, proposing, complaining for what I don't have, what I can't experience. The growth necessary to bridge this gap is not going to happen in my lifetime, and that's fine. My life is so meagerly short--it is nothing compared the time God has been and will be working with this creation. I'm looking at maybe another 50 years. I cannot try and force the vision of the church into 50 years. It's selfish. The church can grow into what it should be, but it's going to take patience. Indeed, it's going to take more generosity than what I've extended to other people. A generous spirit changes things, not a resentful spirit.

I don't want to work for myself. I don't want to work towards the idealistic community for my own sake, but for the sake of others. The sake of my daughter. Maybe, if I work in the right way, in her lifetime, there will be bold and magnificent changes among the people of faith.