The Shadow-gloom and Weight of the Sacred

In the past, citizens of the U.S. adopting from Ethiopia needed to make only one trip at the very end of the adoption process when, obviously, adopting parents brought their child home. As I mentioned in my previouse post, Gretchen and I took a different option, which we felt was most advantageous to our situation. So, we made two trips to Ethiopia. One was at the beginning of October, the second was in the middle of December. Over the last few months, I've met several parents who've adopted from Ethiopia, but none of them made an initial trip like we did. We've been asked--and not just from other adoptive parents--if it was hard to leave the Queen Bee after that first trip. I suppose this is a rhetorical question, but...

Yes, it was hard. The thing is, I don't remember Oct-Dec of last year all that clearly at this point. That's why I journal! (But, I don't want to go back and read what I wrote!) It was a really uncomfortable situation to be in. Children bring life and vibrancy to your home and, while we only saw the Queen Bee for a few hours each day, it nonetheless change our lives. Even though our daughter was scared and subdued, the energy of having a child, of growing or family, was electric. Each day, we took that electricity from our visits at the orphange to the guest house where we stayed. But, then we went back to Vienna. We didn't get to see her. And, though the Queen Bee had never been to our home, our apartment felt empty with just the two of us and the dog. For more than two months, this is the way it was. Everything was just a going through the motions. Wake up. Do some church stuff. Do housework. Walk the dog. Buy some groceries. Everything was a hazy shellshock. Everything was just biding time. Counting down days until we could hold her once again.

I'm still glad we made that initial trip. We got to meet our daughter earlier than otherwise because of it. We had a great time. Even though we hated leaving her, and even though the months inbetween our trips was difficult, it was so incredible getting to spend that little bit of time with her that I wouldn't change a thing.